My son is becoming a young man. He’s ten now and growing more independent every week. He has his own life at school and with friends, and the fact is my role in guiding him through the ins and outs of everything is diminishing by the day. Of course there’s still so much for me to teach him and I do take that responsibility very seriously, but it’s different now. On one hand I couldn’t be more proud of him, while on the other the whole situation saddens me a bit as I love the closeness and completeness of the fully intertwined lives of parents and their young children.
Before long it’ll be time for “the talk.” It feels like we’re months away, if that. The banter my son comes home from school with is inching closer to the birds and the bees. His mind doesn’t yet grasp the reality of it, but it’s coming and I’m getting ready.
I know many parents dread the talk, but in a way I’m looking forward to it. Helping our kids understand and honor their feelings is one of the most important things parents can do, and there’s perhaps nothing in this world that confuses human beings more than the subject of the talk. It brings together extremely intense feelings, socially awkward discussion material, and a neverending flood of conflicting cues coming from all directions, like friends, fairy tales and the internet. If it’s not discussed openly and honestly, then all sorts of space is created for kids to fill the void with other stuff, like shame, which is so unfortunate. There’re also the lewd and unwholesome perspectives of classmates that start to influence the thinking and emotions of our kids in a big way. The talk gives parents the opportunity to discuss what’s really going on and how it connects to the big picture, which to me is all about relationships and love, the most meaningful of all things in life.
I’m also hoping our talk will actually be many talks over many years because there’s a lot there, far too much to cover in one conversation. But more importantly, feelings evolve and keep evolving, especially when it comes to the matter of loving relationships, and this goes on through adulthood and in fact never ends. In my opinion you’ve got to keep talking about it to allow for deeper questions to emerge and also to keep making it known that it’s all perfectly normal, every thought and every feeling, no matter what other people say.
And making it normal is where it all begins. First and foremost, I want my son to know that the changes in his body, that the new feelings and urges swirling inside of him, are a normal part of life. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. There’s plenty to discuss when it comes to channeling those feelings and urges, and there are right ways and wrong ways to channel them, but that all comes after acknowledging that it’s all normal and everyone experiences them.
To some extent I’m also driven to make things better for him in this area than they were for me. I hardly recall any talking the talk at home, and to add to that I never had sex ed in school. I changed schools in 7th grade and the school I entered had done it the year before while the school I left did it the year after. So I ended up learning most of what I knew by getting bits and pieces from friends, which wasn’t ideal. The kids talking about it knew nothing of feelings and relationships, and they certainly didn’t connect anything to the meaning of life. Instead, it was all adolescent gossip and showmanship, and that was a terrible way for an overly sensitive middle schooler to learn about something as central to what it means to be a human being.
So here are some of my thoughts. And to start I’ll make it clear that I’m not going to get into anything about the birds and the bees because this isn’t the right venue for that, and like I said there are other larger themes at play that feel much more important.
A lot happens as we become young adults. Our bodies go through changes of course, we get bigger, we start experiencing deep and sometimes overpowering feelings of attraction to others, and this whole world of attraction becomes momentous in our lives, and it happens quickly, shifting from something we never consider to something that’s dominating our daily thoughts and emotions.
How interesting and amazing it is that we are drawn to others like magnets because we find them beautiful in some way. It might be the way they look, or their personality, or how they make us feel, or a combination of things. It’s mysterious and magnificent.
When we’re drawn to people we want to be close to them, to have some sort of relationship with them. Maybe a friendship, maybe something more. These feelings of attraction are strong and powerful and can be hard to sort out. I want my son to open himself up to these feelings, at least to himself, and to follow them in healthy ways.
We all want to love and be loved in return. To do this you need to share your feelings. You need to truly be yourself, to be vulnerable and honest about your hopes and fears and sensitivities, because that opens the door for true intimacy, for someone else to be there with you for exactly who you are.
Letting people know how you feel about them when you like them or love them is so important. You very well may regret it if you don’t. But more, that’s the only option you really have if you want to honor your feelings. All you can do is make your feelings known and perhaps make a compelling case for why you’re worthy of the other person’s affection. The rest is up to them. They either feel the same way or they don’t. And however they feel needs to be respected.
I hope my son has the comfort with himself and the confidence to explore these feelings and to experience what it’s like to put himself out there, to feel the joy and the hurt. This is how we learn and grow, and figure out the kinds of relationships we want in life.
Who and what people are attracted to is their business as far as I’m concerned. I want people, all people, to be happy and free to pursue what makes them happy (as long as their pursuit of happiness doesn’t harm others). And that connects right back to where we started. These intense feelings inside of us tell us what we are attracted to, what might satisfy us. We need to really listen to what our bodies are saying, and sometimes shouting. We need to honor our interests and our passions.
But let’s also be patient with ourselves. Opening up is exciting, but it’s also a roller coaster of unbelievably powerful emotion. Make room for that. Give it space to breathe.
It can help to talk it through too, and that’s what I’m gearing up for now. I’m also looking to add the context that it’s all okay to talk about and always will be. Just as it’s so important to act on our feelings, responsibly, and see what happens as you do that. There’s so much to learn about what we want and what we love by following our desires.
So I will do my best to foster talk about all of this and connect it to the big picture of love and relationships. We all want partners in life, honest, respectful and loving partners through which we can satisfy our wants and needs. We all want affection. And I want my son to know that I’m always here to help, and I’m always ready to talk anything and everything through.