It’s nine o’clock Sunday morning as I write these words and I’m feeling good, really good. I’ve been up for a while, reading, listening to music, doing some chores. I love mornings like this. They’re simple and relaxing. They’re also exactly how I want to be spending my Sunday mornings, taking a breather while preparing just a little for the week ahead. And of course being creative, which I’m doing right now as I write. So much of the rest of the week is about responsibility, about being there for others, about being a father. It’s nice to carve out some time just for me.
For the past few months I’ve been giving myself more time like this and that’s been lovely. Isa’s five now and much more independent than she was even six months ago, so a tiny bit of space has emerged in my life. I’m talking 15 minutes here, a half hour there, maybe an hour on Sundays before everybody else wakes, but it adds up.
My mind has also noticeably settled down. This comes after more than a decade of working extremely hard under lots of pressure. I had gotten totally burned out and was often too stressed or exhausted to unwind. But I’ve been gentler with myself recently, and now it feels like I’m able to really relax, and because of this I’m capable of taking this new space and time and using it a way that fills me up.
How did this happen? How did I figure out how to find some peace in this crazy world? There’s a lot to unpack here, but the simple answer is this: I’ve come to accept my life for what it is, which means the chore of coming to terms with it is no longer constantly consuming my energy and attention like it did for years and years. I’m happier now that I’ve wrestled with demons and darkness in my heart. I’m happier now that I’ve learned to love myself for who I am.
So what do I do now ? And more specifically, what do I write about now that I’ve already thoroughly documented and given voice to my struggles and my pain? There’s always more pain to explore, but now that I’ve come to love and accept myself, the unexplored pain doesn't sting like it once did.
What do I write about now that I feel mostly healed? I’ve been so focused on trying to heal myself for so long that I never thought much about what I’d do if and when I ever got there. I guess I assumed life would be exactly how it was, just without the hurt. But it’s not. Pain, anger and sadness consume so much attention, when they’re no longer present I get to fill that space with other things, hopefully good and positive things.
As I’ve thought about this lately two words keep flashing in my brain: courage and kindness.
I want to live each day of my life going forward with courage and kindness. I want courage and kindness to flow through me and to guide all of my actions and decisions.
I want to have the courage to be the best version of myself for the rest of my life. This means doing what my heart is telling me to do, even if it scares me.
I also want another form of courage that’s just as important, and that’s the courage to meet pain and hardship with full presence and an open heart, with strength, with a willingness to sit with fear and the unknown. Pain and hardship will be coming my way again, it will find its way into the lives of those I love, I know it will, there’s no way that it won’t, and I want to have the courage to be there for myself and my loved ones when suffering comes.
I want to be kind too. I want to be kind to everyone including myself. I want to be kind to our community, to our earth. I want to always be kind, even if in specific moments the only way to be kind is to be fiercely protective, aggressive, or angry. Kindness is the goal, even though sometimes kindness requires actions in its service that do not feel kind at all.
Being kind to myself means loving myself for who I really am, and not judging myself harshly for what I feel, or what I think, or what I love. Being kind to myself means giving myself time to rest and recover so that I have the strength to go back out into the world and do what needs to be done to provide for my loved ones. Kindness means giving myself the space to explore my true feelings, even if and especially if I can’t find anyone to relate to about them.
I want to be kind to others, always, by giving them my warmth and my love. Kindness makes people feel seen and special and happy to be alive. Kindness comforts. Kindness is the foundation of supportive communities. I want to be kind even if I don’t have the energy, even if it scares me. Here’s where courage comes in again, because I believe I can always be kind and loving no matter how I’m feeling as long as I have the courage to be true to myself, to be totally honest, to be clear and direct with my communication.
As I mentioned earlier, I’m happier now, and much of this is due to courage and kindness I’ve been kinder to myself as I’ve soothed wounds from the past and given my heart the attention it deserves. I’ve been more courageous too in facing the challenges and hangups that have held me back for so long.
And that’s how I want to live each day for the rest of my life, gentle and unafraid, tough and loving, courageous and kind.